WARNING: If read aloud, this story may French-braid your tongue.
“Everybody’s calling me asshole. Do you tink I’m asshole?” he asked in his usual broken English.
(That was Junkyard Jim’s greeting from Joe, the owner of an electrical repair shop in Edmonton, as Jim approached the counter on a Monday morning.)
“You know very well that you are. So why are you asking?” replied Junkyard.
“Because of what I did dis weekend,” Joe answered.
“Well, get with the program and spit it out!” Junkyard retorted.
“Okay, okay … It all started last veek ven I find skunk under my porch. I was stumped how I was going to get him to hell out of dare. So I called Feesh and Fedders [fish and feathers] and told dem to come get dare skunk. Dose useless pinheads told me day no do dat.
“Den I asked dem what I’m supposed to do wit skunk. Day say dat I could borrow trap from dem, so I gave dem address where to drop off. Dem lazy bastards say day no delivery. I would have to peek it up!
“I went and got trap and put it under porch the other day, and I checked for a day or two but he no go in trap, the dumb bastard! Finally, he went in trap next day. I called Feesh and Fedders again and told dem I caught dare skunk, so dey could come get it.
“Again, day told me day wouldn’t pickem up. I asked dem where the hell I would put bloody skunk. Day told me dat I should drop him off in country somevare.
“Now I’m getting peaced off because he might stenk up my pickup when I try to haul him in open trap. I tink about it over and over again on weekend, and I decide I no want to haul him in open cage … He might peace on me.
“I finally decide I will use old suitcase I have in basement. I grab suitcase from basement and decide I deserve some fun wit dis project and be really big asshole. I used some tape to stop letches from closing all the vay on suitcase. Den I made shute for skunk to go in suitcase. I was scared he would peace on me, but with little push with broom hendle, shute work like dream. I tink the little idiot was tired of living in trap.
“I didn’t trust suitcase letches so I wrap it wit bungee strap. I looked like ugly hitchhiker ven I carried suitcase down highway, about 500 feet, and set it on side of highway. I took it off bungee strap and run like hell, all the vay home, and grabbit lawn chair and cold beer. I no wanna miss all the fun. I only have time to have two drinks of beer, and fun already started.
“I heerd snarling coming from north. Day had dare jalopy vound right out wit crazee amount of speed. Holy smokes! Ven it got closer it sounded likeit had too many horses under hood and some ver trying to jump out.
“Closer, I could see it was bleck Camaro wit two doors. Ven day got even closer, I taught day going too fast to see suitcase. Day roar by suitcase and den dare was screeching and tires started smoking like Hitler’s buncour. Driver then stick car in reverse and tires smoke some’more till he becked up to suitcase.
“A long-hair pretty boy jump out of pessenger door and grab suitcase. He run beck to car and, wit a wide swing, he throwed suitcase really hard into beck seat. I knew right away that Pretty Boy did better job dan I taught he would. I was sure suitcase letches would pop open.
“Pretty Boy jump beck in car and dare was some more screeching, and car took off like a bullet. Den all of sudden day slam on brakes and, before car stopped, the driver and Pretty Boy jump out of car wit skunk right on Pretty Boy’s ass. Day were coffing and spitting and trowing up in ditch—but, what the hell, day are young. Day will get over it, I taught!
“Dat was better show dan I could hope for. I laugh so hard I fell off lawn chair and beer spilled everyver. It looked like I peaced myself. It was one of best Sundays ever. So dat Meester Junkyard is why day call me ‘asshole.’”(Junkyard, after laughing): “Yeah, and you’re lucky that I’m not the immigration minister because I would ship your sorry ass out of Canada on the first slow boat to the old country.”
