A 2016 article in The Guardian stated that one-third of new mothers struggle to bond with their babies. For me, and still to this day, I am trying to bond with my baby.
When you grow up, TV, movies and even (it seems) every woman portrays that you will instantly love your baby and that you will coo and cah and immediately be an amazing mother. Well, hold your horses, because that is utter bollocks.
Growing a baby inside you doesn’t make you bond any more than the father does with a newborn baby. This makes it incredibly difficult when taking care of your baby.
For me, I have these annoying hormones that make me fret, every hour of every day, that our baby is still alive. My husband does not have this problem.
Maybe it’s because of my age. I’m being told, a lot, that the older you are when you become a mother, the harder it is (the more you are set in yourself and your life). So, when this little poop-making, sleep-sucking, feeding machine comes into your life, it is disrupted—forever. Your life has changed and you cannot go back. You can only go forward, which is hard when you used to be able to just do whatever you wanted whenever you wanted to.
Maybe if he looked like me or I could see myself in him? He has ginger hair and blue eyes and translucent white skin. So I guess he’s like me, but looking at photos of my husband and I as newborns, he definitely looks like his dad (I guess the baby has to look like their dad so they know it’s theirs?).
I think it would help if I could look at him and see me … easier to bond with, maybe. But he doesn’t look like me. Within the last couple of weeks he started smiling and cooing, which is rather cute. But the majority of the time he cries and screams. So does that smile make up for the hours of screaming. No, it does not—at least not in my books. Will it get easier? I have no idea. Will I ever bond with my baby? I hope so. It hasn’t gotten easier but it won’t stop me from taking the best care of him that I can in the meantime.
Here’s what several mothers had to say about their bonding experience …
Mother #1
When did you bond with your baby? [At] 13 weeks pregnant, I started talking to her as she wiggled in my stomach. Then, the moment I started breastfeeding, we really connected.
Do you remember the moment you bonded? The moment she was born.
What advice would you give someone who doesn’t immediately bond with their baby? Talk to your baby like they understand everything you are saying. It’s interesting how much they take in. Use your instincts. Medical advice isn’t always the best.
Mother #2
When did you bond with your baby? I bonded with my baby 15 minutes after her birth.
Do you remember the moment you bonded? When I woke up after her traumatic birth, she was pulled out of my doula’s shirt and [placed] onto my chest.
What advice would you give someone who doesn’t immediately bond with their baby? I did not have a bond with my baby for the entire pregnancy. Nothing is wrong with you if you don’t bond with your baby while they are inside you. They feel weird; they aren’t a person yet and it’s okay to just feel how you have to feel to survive the nine months.
With my first, it was probably [at] four months. Due to some health issues [that] he had and my motherhood not being what I expected, I spent a lot of time outsourcing my parenting and avoiding him. It was a tough-love conversation with my mom that snapped me out of it and, once I stopped doing those things and started spending time with him, things changed.
With my second, I felt like I was going through the motions. I breastfed, co-slept [and took] contact naps … all the things that facilitate bonding. He wouldn’t accept care from anyone else, so I was his primary care provider but he felt like a stranger and it felt like I was babysitting and waiting for someone to pick him up, for the first year. In this case, I think it was time that helped.
I didn’t struggle to bond with my third.
Mother #3
When did you bond with your baby? With my first it was when she was two days old. My partner had been feeding her and changing her diapers while I was healing from my C-section, but he had to leave the hospital for a quick meeting. I was really scared to be alone with her (as I had zero experience with babies prior to this) and was hoping she’d sleep through the hour he was gone, but she started crying within fifteen minutes and I frantically buzzed the nurse in, to ask her what I should do. The nurse laughed and said it was because she was hungry. So I had to feed her myself and then change her diapers. I held her against my chest, after that, and suddenly felt this connection with her. I was more than happy to have her lie on me instead of placing her in the bassinet after that.
With my second, it was different. I bonded with him when he was only six or seven months old. I couldn’t bond with him so early because I wasn’t ready for a second baby, so quickly, and I was basically doing everything on autopilot. I did love him; I just didn’t feel connected to him. The bonding started when he was less of a potato and was rolling around lots. He would smile whenever he saw me and [he] clearly enjoyed his private moments with me while my other [one] was at daycare.
*The Guardian, 2016
