Everyone Needs To Cry

The importance of emotions

Who has never frowned on parents with a kid throwing a temper tantrum and rolling on the floor? Well I did, but this was before having my own child.

Having a kid raises so many questions about parenting and about who we are. I started to question my relationship to emotions and read a book, Understanding Children’s Emotions, written by a psychotherapist, Isabelle Filliozat. It opened my eyes to the importance of letting our kids express their feelings, from the tiniest to the most intense ones—and that’s a real challenge because most of us weren’t encouraged to do this by our own parents and feel it is hard to welcome strong emotions in public when we are not used to it.

Children with strong emotions

Have you ever seen a child get so excited that they start shouting and jumping like crazy? Or getting so upset that they start kicking and letting out ear-splitting screams? Pleasant or uncomfortable, a child’s emotions can sometimes turn into wild explosions. 

Children—especially in the first few years—behave like this because their brain is still immature and they don’t have control over their emotional impulses. When babies are sad, they are immensely sad; when they are afraid, they face huge panics; and the same goes with anger or joy. They depend on adults to help them navigate their feelings.

Rather than seeing those reactions as whims, psychotherapists, like Dr. Filiozat, explain that each emotion is a way for a child to express a need. A smile, a laugh or a cry is a signal.

Being present (and acknowledging and verbalizing the reaction) supports brain and emotional development by slowing down the production of stress molecules. Listening to the emotion, even if it might seem disproportionate to what is happening, helps a young child to feel supported and to gain self-confidence so they will become an emotionally well-balanced adult. 

When a child understands their emotions and knows how to name them, they can better control them. Scientific studies have shown that emotional competency helps to build positive relationships. For instance, a child will know how to respond to an angry friend in order to avoid making the situation worse. They will be better at solving conflicts and at less risk of bullying. 

Instead, if an adult is not present for a toddler, their brain is under stress and secretes additional stress molecules, cortisol and adrenaline, which are toxic for the brain. This can lead to behavioural disorders, anxiety and learning disabilities.

When the pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain that controls emotions) matures, around age five to seven, children will be more able to regulate their emotions.

According to Catherine Gueguen, pediatrician, who was trained in social neurosciences and Non-Violent Communication (NVC), the brain is most malleable during the first two years of childhood. Everything that they experience is “printed” on the child’s brain. As parents, family or child-minding professionals, what we say and do is crucial for our children’s mental health.

Reacting to strong emotions 

Letting the emotions out helps mitigate tension. Dr. Filiozat shares a process inspired by NVC, namely being present, with empathy, without wanting to calm down the toddler. We can bring ourselves down to a child’s eye level and acknowledge the situation: “I can see you are sad/angry.” If a child is sad, encouraging tears helps in accepting a situation: “I understand you,” “It is hard to lose” or “You feel sad when your dad leaves and goes to work.” 

Asking open questions can help identify the emotions. For example, we ask: “What’s happening?” or “What is making you feel sad?” rather than asking “Why do you have this reaction?” (as the rational explanation can be far away from their distress).

When a child confides enough elements to better understand how they feel, it is possible to reformulate and make sure we understand properly. The following structure can help: “When … you feel … because …”

Once all of the emotions are out, we can ask more practical questions: “What do you see as a solution?” “What can you do?” “What can I do?” 

Last weekend, Auguste, my toddler of 18 months, screamed and was inconsolable when I removed his jacket when going back home after a whole day outside. At first, I felt a bit frustrated, thinking he wanted to go out again, but I went through some of the questions. When reformulating the situation, I was surprised to understand that he just wanted to show me he could remove his jacket by himself!

And what about us, as parents? 

Infants are little emotional sponges and adapt their behaviour to their parents’ emotions. Psychologist Dr. Nadia Gagnier said, “If you’re sad and worried about leaving your child at daycare, they may start crying—not because they don’t like daycare, but because they’re reacting to your emotions” (naitreetgrandir.com/en/feature/our-children-s-emotions). Being aware of how we feel and talking freely about it helps us and our kids to freely express emotions.

We can teach by example

Again, naming our own emotions helps our toddlers learn how to do the same. For example: “I am sad because my friend Danny is really sick” or “I can see you are angry because your sister took away your toy car.”

I am trying to apply this exercise to my daily life with my child and to understand how difficult it was for me to put words to my emotions. I also realized that specific events could trigger strong feelings like anger or sadness. I looked into my past to understand the reasons behind my reactions and am still processing them to better manage my emotions.

It’s fantastic how our kids can help us grow!