’Tis a self-evident obviosity that …
1. If you put short, fat things on the tall shelf of the refrigerator, you have to move ’em to a short, fat-stuff shelf so you can get ‘yer milk carton and ‘yer juice jug in. Grrr!
2. When you’re talking about atomic energy, spell nuclear and sound it out before speaking! I don’t know where the hell you get nuculer. Also, what’s a nuculus? Look it up in yer Funk & Wagnalls.
3. You don’t need a course in Latin in order to pronounce et cetera. Just have a look at the abbreviation: It’s etc., isn’t it? Not “exc.,” hey?
4. Irregardless is a double negative.
5. You “orient” yourself or you have an “orientation.” You don’t go to an information booth to get “informated,” so why would you look around to get “orientated.”
6. Gift is a noun, give is the verb. So don’t “gift” me any more crap. Give it to me if you must.
7. The past tense of give is gave, not gifted. Gifted is also rarely an adjective. This time, perhaps, it is pejorative, describing people who misuse or mispronounce 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6, above. Yeah, who am I to talk?
8. If there’s bear poop on the garden path, it’s not your day to do the weeding and watering.
9. Dirty water pumped from the creek is gonna plug yer drip lines in the garden.
10. The four food groups are Fast, Fried, Snack and Junk.
11. See 10, above: No salt on yer fries is a rip-off perpetrated by health-food fanatics on yer favourite drive-through.
12. See 11, above: If ya grump at them, they’ll give ya enough packets of salt that ya won’t hafta mention it again for a long time.
13. The A&W parking lot is NOT a thru street to Superstore.
14. See 13, above: Speed limits don’t apply here, judging from some drivers’ behaviour.
15. If you get ‘yer butt out into the intersection while waiting for the yellow light, you might (just might) get around that left-hand corner.
16. See 15, above: Nobody else will. Thanks a lot.
17. The speed limit in Rabbit’s Foot Canyon is 90 kilometres. If you’re going 50 and somebody’s tailgating you, it’s ‘yer own fault.
18. See 17, above: Braking while the guy behind you is tailgating, is asking for road rage.
19. See 18, above: He’s already upset. Get moving or get out of the way.
20. See 19, above: It’s almost always a “he.”
21. A Yield sign just means you don’t have to stop.
22 See 21, above: A Stop sign entering the Klondike Highway apparently means the same thing.
23. Wind chill used to be an analog for the temperature at which exposed flesh freezes.
24. See 23, above: It may have some application to cooling ‘yer coffee or a spoon of hot soup, but it won’t freeze the same.
25. See 24, above: It has no effect whatsoever on your ability to start your car (unless your fingers are frozen): it’s ambient temperature that’s gelled your 15w40.
26. Cars abandoned at the side of the highway are a direct result of tipping fees. A surge of wrecks taken to rural landfills occurred in the period just before rural tipping fees came into effect. Abandoned vehicles began to appear immediately thereafter.
27. It makes no ecological sense to close community waste sites. Burnt hydrocarbons taking garbage to the “nearest” transfer station far outweigh the pittance gained for disposal at the same place.
28. It’s idiocy on the part of a government not to provide fire protection to an historic town.
29. The City of Whitehorse planning department is expecting dozens (if not hundreds) of cyclists, in both directions, to use the Two Mile Hill–Chilkoot Way connector.
30. See 29, above: When is unclear.
31. I’ve seen one (1) cyclist since the two-way, two-lane crossing was defined. He went straight through on Fourth Avenue.
32. Never mind truckers; they’re pros. It’s tourists in their 30-foot-plus motorhomes that are going to tear up their sides on those giant curbs, or block traffic trying to get to the big stores.
33. See 29 and 30, above: Anybody with any sense uses the bike paths on the other side of Two Mile Hill.
34. See 29 to 31, above: The City of Whitehorse doesn’t even plow the downhill-side path. Why would anybody use it?
35. Beavers are not your friends. Witness the recent and near-catastrophic washouts.
36. If you don’t feed the meter, you know what happens. Please be nice to the Bylaw guy.
37. See 36, above: After you get ticketed, if you’ve only got a toonie in ‘yer pocket, that’s a $1.75 tip for the City. The formerly free parking in front of City Hall is now a bus zone.
38. It’s NOT Yukon Standard Time; it’s Yukon Permanent Daylight Saving Time. Get it right.
39. It’s a Self-evident obviosity that Carl Maguire is a crab-ass!
